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Okay, so given what we’re seeing, little Kevin McAllister (Macaulay Culkin) is terrified at the idea of two armed burglars about to break into his house, right? Nope. Turns out that’s just aftershave. And even though Marv (Daniel Stern) looks like he about to satiate the creepy child-chewing voiced in his head and Harry (Joe Pesci) seems disappointed the extra large bean burrito he had for lunch isn’t working on his week-old constipation, it’s Culkin’s lifeless, demon-portal eyes that make this the stuff of nightmares. Why can’t I look away?
Where is Julia Roberts‘ neck? What wrong with her head? Oh and wait a minute. She’s a redhead in this movie, not a brunette. And hey, Richard Gere. He’s got salt and pepper in this flick, not whatever shade of blackhole eternal void of damnation this is.
Groundhog Day, the movie about a man who’s trapped his own humunculus in a clock and uses it to seduce women. No? It’s actually about a man who spends a long, long time repeating the same day over and over again, so if anything, shouldn’t Bill Murray‘s baby-bottom-smooth disembodied hands be holding a calendar? Also, it appears the same overlords who cut and pasted Julia Roberts’ head in the previous poster had dealings with whatever that monstrosity is telling us it’s 10:05 here.
The late Robin Williams was a big star, yes, but an actual giant? According to this poster he is. Look at him. He’s a certified goliath in this picture. Dressed like a nanny. You can’t unsee that. And that stare. Stop judging me, Doubtfire! We all have demons! And are we being attacked by alien corn muffins? What is going on back there?
After great effort, and considerable sacrifice, we have finally come into possession of the plans behind the poster marketing of Cruel Intentions, the reinterpretation of the classic French story Les Liaisons Dangereuses. Many Bothans died to bring us this information. According to the top secret strategy, a single word was said in order to fix the look of the original design, which featured just the floating heads of its stars, Ryan Phillippe and Sarah Michelle Gellar: Boobs.
If this poster is to be believed, the follow-up to Terminator II is called 12 Monkeys and stars Bruce Willis as the latest unstoppable cyborg assassin. That’s clearly a Skynet robot in this picture with its glowing red eye coming to hunt whichever Conner is on the list for terminating this time. And come on. “The Future is History”? How much more Terminatory can it get? Yeah, sure it turns out it’s actually about a guy traveling through time trying to stop a loopy chemical terrorist he saw as a kid, but there’s no way you’re convincing me that is Brad Pitt‘s face sticking out of the dark there.
By the looks of this poster, I’m guessing the artist mistook “Chicago” for “Seattle” when it came to putting this one together. (That’s a Windy City joke folks, and yes, I know wind has nothing to do with that name). But pause for a moment and really look at Meg Ryan‘s hair(?) in this picture, which appears to be trailing off her face like the tentacles of an alien sea beast. What is going on here? Is her hair molting? What is it doing? Also, is that Mars?
So there you are standing in line at the movies and catch a glimpse of this poster and naturally get curious about what you naturally assume must be the chilling story of a football obsessed serial killer and his psycho wall of pictures. Using his signature “jumping jack” stamp as clues, he faces off against an alien race of yellow space detectives and their mortal enemies, a gang of blue-skinned hired guns looking to recruit the murderer. Imagine you’re disappointment when you buy a ticket and realize it’s just a sports movie.
Okay. Deep breath here. Given the dimensions of this solitary reptilian foot, what? . . . the head of this monster is in space? Are we fighting it with shuttles and the Hubble telescope? With a creature big enough to tilt Earth off its axis, and one who leaves a surprisingly destruction-free swath of buildings behind it (thank you, Godzilla), is there any logic to attacking its toes with Apache helicopters? Yes, little man in the corner, run. Run back and watch Jurassic Park.
The Edge, as this poster surely makes clear, will be a two-hour movie experience where we the viewer are pushed to the limits as a pair of men stand in the woods and make loud bear noises at each other. Sold!
So this looks like a pleasant adventure movie. Some attractive stars. An island setting. A little romance an–OH GOD! The hands! Looks at the hands! What kind of outer space alien monster death grip does this woman have on that man’s thumb, elongating it to a ghastly length? Is this a Species sequel?
Ah, time for a nice romantic comedy where an adorable quirky girl falls for a seemingly down-to-Earth man with a nice job, good teeth . . . and an insidious plan to toss her into an oncoming commuter train. It’s the perfect first-date movie!