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The One Line Summary: Slippery oil tycoon sets sail for the rich, untapped resources of foggy Skull Island, home to some hostile locals with their spiky high fences and stabby spears, though overrun with chompy wildlife that really puts the GO in gorilla, making him abandon his plan and steal the ape for a money-making side show scheme that ends up with a gushy-mushy furball at the base of the Word Trade Center that gets blamed on a pretty girl instead of the squadron of fighter planes that totally blasted it off the roof.

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The Two-Line Blurb: Campy fun with “The Dude” and a smokin’ hot Jessica Lang romping around a mysterious island while running from things with big teeth make for some fetching eye candy, though there’s really only one giant hairy reason to watch this breezy monster remake. Okay, a chance to see a nearly in-the-buff Jessica Lange is another one, but it’s really Rick Baker thumping his chest in a gorilla suit that makes this one to remember.

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The Three-Line Set-up: After greedy oil executive (Charles Grodin) and his exploratory expedition find the remote Indian Ocean island, they take stowaway and primate paleontologist Jack (Jeff Bridges) and the lovely blonde aspiring actress Dwan (not a typo) (Jessica Lange) they found adrift at sea to check out the place because naturally, their combined knowledge and experience in advanced geological petroleum extraction engineering would be worthless back on the boat (sarcasm setting turned up to 11). But wait, a tribe of natives on the creepy island decide the White chick is better suited as sacrificial fodder and kidnap her as a chewy treat for that little someone special they call, “KONG.” Time for a group song.

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The Four-Line Moment: With our captured blondie actress tied between two posts and drugged out on some local hootch, night falls and the torch-wielding natives begin their beckoning chant. The trees rattle and tumble aside as the big burly beast cuts a thick swath straight to the girl prize. In the grand tradition of monster movies, the first moment we see the creature-feature beast is always the best, and to be sure, this frightfully fun entrance ranks up there with some of the best. It’s chest-pounding, hair raising teeth-gnashing, scream-inducing awesomeness.

The Five-Word Review: We never see Kong’s dong.