Our story goes . . . one particularly uneventful Saturday evening, on a particularly starry night, in the early weeks of 1981, two boys, having never met, watch the same episode of BBC’s The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Hours later, they both dream the same dream of being Arthur Dent (and totally making it with Trillian) when Zaphod Beeblebrox initiates the Heart of Gold’s Infinite Improbability Drive. When they awoke, their fears that the dream was real are found untrue. Their lives have not been altered and life goes on the same. Until one day, quite recently actually, each still unknowing the other exists, they arrive home and discover that their easy chairs have been turned into boxes of pristine 1980’s video cassettes. And their bags of Tostitos’ and jars of dip, fully functioning VCRs and remotes. They take to Twitter and it is here that the Eric from The IPC and David from That Moment In find each other and learn of their random, connected fates. A note in the box reads:
YOU MUST WATCH EVERY 80S MOVIE IN THIS BOX. FOR EACH MOVIE, A SUMMARY WOULD BE NICE. NOTHING CRAZY. MAYBE SOMETHING SHORT. YOUR CALL. THEN YOU MUST REVIEW THE FILM! TO DO SO, CHOOSE AND DESCRIBE THESE FIVE MOMENTS: 1) THE BEST MOMENT 2) THE STUPIDEST MOMENT 3) THAT SPECIAL 80S SEXY MOMENT 4) THE NOW’S A GOOD TIME TO TAKE A PEE BREAK MOMENT AND FINALLY 5) THE MOST CHEESIEST SILLY AWESOME EIGHTIES MOMENT. GOOD LUCK. WE ARE WATCHING YOU.
Let me start this thing off by saying that I did go see this in the movie theater before most of the people reading this today were probably born. I don’t remember particularly liking it back then although I will admit I listened to that “Tale My breath Away” song on the soundtrack cassette a million times as I longed for some girl to be in love with. And to let me touch her boobs. But the movie didn’t really do much for me. I was more into horror and sci-fi and these assholes going around being all cocky and jocky just wasn’t my thing. Neither were airplanes or idiots who sang – en masse – in a crowded bar. I thought that was pretty lame and never watched it again. Until the other week.
Second out of the Box: Top Gun (1986)
So I watched this again and I really didn’t care for it too much, at all. I even kind of hated some of it which I’ll address later. The only thing I did like was the bit part Meg Ryan played, but she’s not in it much. I don’t like a lot of noise or commotion and this had TONS of that, so it was pretty irritating to me. I also didn’t really care about any of the characters and there’s a scene where Cruise speeds off on his motorcycle and his teacher screams after him down the highway in her antique convertible to which, when they finally park, they have a screaming match which ends with something like “I can’t tell you you’re right in front of everyone because I’ve fallen for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” SMOOCH SMOOCH KISSY KISSY. LAME. Anyway, let’s see what I have for my alien overlords today.
The Best Moment: I really didn’t like this much so I guess any scene with Tom Skerritt. Like I said in my opening, this is a bunch of 80s hot-shot bullshit that I didn’t like then and I don’t like now. This came out in ’86, right?? So did Big Trouble in Little China – I’ll take that ANY day of the week. Jack Burton RULES!!! #reasonableguy #sixdemonbag
The twenty something jocks with the unibrows and the blindingly white teeth, fist pumping airplanes and singing karaoke can go stuff themselves.
The Stupidest Moment: Aside from most of the movie, I was actually actually appalled by this part where, after something or other, Cruise and Kilmer confront each other in the men’s locker room. They are both doing some dick-swinging about who is better than who and then they bite at each other. For a movie about testosterone and Whipping-Russian-Ass-American-Style this was awfully…….. um…. not macho…..
That Special 80s Sexy Moment: When I saw this back in the 80s I thought McGillis was unbelievably sultry and hot and absolutely someone I could engage in my first The Sex with. Surely I’d grow up and she’s be into me, right? And then there was that Amish movie with Harrison Ford and her! SCHWING!!!!!! Then it turned out she probably wouldn’t be into me after all and there’s that. So – for this instance of our objective, let’s go with a good looking, I’m looking at popping your cherry, young man, Kelly McGillis:
The Now’s The Time To Take A Pee Break Moment:
I think it’s evident that I didn’t like this much so you could probably get up and take a leak any time you wanted but, if you haven’t seen this thing before and you’re watching some riveting entertainment here, you could totally skip the musical number. I found it stupid, unnecessary and irritating which is probably how most people find me. O _ o
The Most Cheesiest Silly Awesome Eighties Moment:
This entire movie screamed cheese (and American war propaganda) but I guess if I had to pick one thing it would be Val Kilmer’s ceiling dusting high top hairdo. How much Product do you put in that every morning, pal???
There you go – this was certainly not my favorite movie! I’ve seen it twice now and don’t ever need to see it again. Stay tuned! In a few weeks we’ll bust out one that I really enjoy! To see Part II of this series, simply click the lovely (and sandy) McGillis below!